The End

Charming and I went out to dinner tonight, to celebrate the good news I got from my doc this afternoon (yeay, I don't have to have a hysterectomy, according to my most recent biopsy). We went out, enjoyed a good meal, had good conversation and a few drinks.

Then, my mother called. My mom and I are soft-hearted for animals, and she'd just been made aware of a kill shelter in TN that is looking for homes for 20 dogs. They only have 12 cages, so at the end of the month, the remaining dogs will be put to sleep. I spoke to her on the car ride home, telling her I'd raise awareness among my Facebook network and see if I could help find some homes.

Charming, who'd had too much to drink, was not driving cautiously. I told him, as my cell phone died, that I was concerned about his ability to drive home, and suggested he pull over and we call a cab. He responded my getting agitated and speeding up, telling me he was going to continue to drive around rather than heading home. When I insisted that he head home, he pulled into the entrance of a neighborhood, more than 2 miles from my home, and shoved me out of his truck, leaving me with a dead cell phone and a long, breezy/chilly walk home.

Luckily, a police officer saw me crying on my way home and stopped. He advised that I file domestic battery charges against him, because he noticed a bruise on my arm where Charming had shoved me out of his vehicle.

This isn't the first such fight, but it's certainly the last. I deserve better than this.

Commitment

Had dinner night tonight, and talked to Charming about commitment. He thinks that we should spend another year getting to know each other before making a commitment. I figure, if we're going to spend the next year together, there should be a commitment.

I wonder - when did men decide that marriage wasn't a necessity? And is it our fault? Is this one of the negative side effects of the Women's Lib movement?

Date Night - Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Last night, Charming took me to the Hard Rock Casino for an afternoon at the tables and an evening of Billy Joel! The day was awesome, even if I just broke even and didn't win any money (I'm a very conservative gambler, so while I don't lose a lot, I don't win a lot, either). The show was amazing - really a once in a lifetime opportunity to see such a musical legend.

When I got home, I read more of the great feedback/advice in the CSMChat.com Forum, and now that I've had some time to think, I want to put out some thoughts on date nights, and ask for your feedback.

Charming has agreed that we will be having adult time and "date nights" once Casey comes out to stay with us. I wonder, however, how they will differ from our current date nights, what I should expect/demand from him, and what other CSMs out there have experienced.

I've read in a lot of places that once a week is reasonable for adult time (although I do plan on going out more often, as I have commitments with coworkers and friends). Our situation is a bit difficult, since she'll be joining us clear across the country from anyone we know who could babysit her (her family, grandparents, bio mom, etc), and I can't ask my friends to sit for her - the only friend I have with a child (he's 4) does not like Casey because the one time Casey met her son, she bullied and pushed him (he was 3 at the time, Casey was 12).

If we have to pay a sitter, who should be responsible for that?

I've also read that it's important for Charming to spend alone time with his daughter - but how often should he be doing that? Additionally - does that mean that I have to find something to do and stay away from my home, or is it reasonable to expect that during that "alone time" - if they don't want me around that he will take her elsewhere? I feel as though my being asked to stay away from the house would be inappropriate - but I welcome thoughts.

Boundaries

I've found another wonderful resource to prepare myself for stepmotherhood - Childless Stepmoms Chat - http://csmchat.com. The women in the forums have been great in terms of advice and support - and I'd recommend the site for anyone who's about to embark on a similar experience.

One of the responses I received recently in the forum is about consideration, and indirectly, boundaries. One of the CSMs, Christa, wrote to me:

"Please, take a step back and see how incredibly unfair all of this is to you. You are not backed into a corner. You have a say as to what goes on in your home. Is this a home that you and BF share equally, i.e. moved in together fresh? Or did you move into his already established home? (The latter arrangement is the only way that I could fathom his feeling he has the right to make decisions like this without consulting you.) Either way.....you should have been a part of the decision making process to have SD join her dad. "

Most of my friends are echoing the same sentiment, and I can't help but feel the same. Unfortunately, my mother, Charming, and his friends seem to feel the opposite. I knew he had a daughter when we got together - and, as my mother always says, "His daughter has to always come first. You can't ever put yourself in a higher position than her because you're just going to lose him."

So I wonder - what's a SM to do in a situation like this? I feel like I should have a say in what goes on in my own home (Especially since the home is mine - as are all of the belongings in it minus his clothes and computers/video games). But is that say more symbolic than anything? Of course he should have asked/discussed with me, but if the gesture was more out of symbolic obligation than anything, does it really matter?

When we got together, he was a single guy who had a daughter that he saw a few times a year and on holidays. His daughter was in a stable situation with her mom and her mom's long-time boyfriend. I got involved with him only after he reassured me that he didn't interact with Bio Mom (not true, as you can see in my other posts), and under the condition that he wouldn't pressure me into having her move in with us unless we were in a committed relationship.

Are there SMs out there in Cyberworld who have actually put their foot down and denied their boyfriends/husbands the ability to have their stepkids move in with them? If so, under what circumstances, and what was the outcome? And is it reasonable for me to hold him to his promise to me - that he would commit to me before having his daughter come stay with us?

Jealous

Charming thinks that I am jealous of his family; that's been our latest discussion all day today after an argument last night. He thinks I'm jealous of his sister, and I can't be honest with him about why I'm not.

A little bit of back story. He has three older half sisters. He's referring to the one closest to him in age, with whom he is very close, and with whom he is involved in an almost constant discussion for how they're going to "buck the system" and make money with some sort of technological company.

Her latest is the launch of a blog, which she clams is about technology, but whose posts range from the transcript of President Obama's inauguration speech to a blurb about her son's trip to a new dermatologist (which she wrote as a "barter" agreement for his services - I will never understand someone who barters for medical services for a toddler). She wants the blog to be a commercial success, but her writing skills aren't very refined, and she's sucked Charming into spending all of his energy and time on design for the blog - which he is convinced will be the next TechCrunch.

When I pointed out some of the very obvious errors in her writing (including blatant plagiarism from another tech blog), he suggested that I should edit her blog to help her monetize it so that she could build a name for herself. With my job, helping him with his consulting work, and my volunteer work (as well as writing for this blog and another where I contribute commercially), I really don't have the time to spend doing serious editing work o his sister's blog - but he's been insistent.

Finally, last night, I told him that I didn't want to work with his sister (who's been unemployed for more than 2 years - not because she can't get a job, but because she doesn't want to work, as she wants to be a stay at home mom). He accused me of being jealous of her, which is something I've heard him say about just about every coworker and boss he's ever told me about "She had such a hard time at that job because everyone was so jealous of her," or "Her boss gave her such a hard time about her work because she was jealous of her." I am guessing that the jealousy he's referring to is that she's blonde, blue-eyed and had an hourglass figure before her son was born, but those things never really concerned me, and I'm certainly not jealous of her life - she's with someone Charming tells me she doesn't love, her pregnancy was an accident and now she has been out of work for two years.

I am quite happy with my own by comparison - I have a successful career, I volunteer for a number of organizations and sit on two boards. I am sick, but I have had a good life so far, and I'm not stuck in an unhappy relationship.

I don't understand Charming sometimes, just like with his daughter, his mother, anyone in his families - if I don't say or do exactly what he wants - I'm "jealous" of them or I have a "problem with" them. How do I get him to be respectful of me in situations like this?

FBI Jury Duty Scam

I normally delete chain emails, but this one seems to have a legit link to the FBI Web site. Consider yourselves informed!

http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm

The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen.

Frustration

I can't help but be angry tonight, and have a few drinks, when thinking about the possibility that I may never be able to have children. No animosity toward Casey, but I am angry with Charming, who tells me that someday I will share his name. "Not soon enough," I think.

He worries that his daughter will feel "left out" if we have children. He doesn't understand that I will feel left out if we don't. Any CSM out there who shares my pain? I would love to feel like I'm not alone in my feelings!

Waiting Game

Went back to the doctor today for yet another biopsy. Still no word on the fate of my womb, but he said he would know more in the next week or so once my test results come in. Although he is one of the better, more understanding doctors I've been to, it's still frustrating that healthcare in Florida seems to be ALL business, NO personal service. He was in and out quickly and spent more time telling me about how great Bruce's halftime show during the Superbowl was than actually discussing my health concerns.

For now, I'll remain optimistic.

Rights and Responsibilities

Found this on CSMChat.com and thought it was brilliant. This will be very useful!

The StepMother's Bill of Rights

1. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to express them as I see fit.
3. I will NOT be responsible for the welfare if children for whom I can set no limits
4. I must be consulted about children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework, chores will be distributed equally and fairly.
6. I will be consulted in all matters concerning this family.
7. Others may not violate my private space, nor take or use any of my possessions without my permission.
8. I will NEVER be treated as dirt in my own Home.
9. My stepchildren will ALWAYS treat me with respect, even if they don't like me.
10. I have the right to my privacy regarding all issues.
11. I have the right to choose what a child is allowed to call me, or not call me.
12. I will be consulted about all financial issues regarding this family i.e. child travel, schooling etc, as long as it affects me too.
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.

Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.


The Husband's Bill of Rights

1. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to express them as I see fit.
3. I will NOT be undermined in my parenting decisions of the children.
4. I must be consulted about plans involving children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will not be solely responsible for car maintenance, house repairs, yard work; chores will be distributed equally and fairly.
6. I will be consulted in all matters concerning this family.
7. Others may not violate my private space, nor take or use any of my possessions without my permission.
8. I will NEVER be treated as dirt in my own Home.
9. My children will ALWAYS treat me with respect.
10. I have the right to my privacy regarding all issues.
11. I have the right to expect my children to call me dad or some variation of dad.
12. I will be consulted about all financial issues regarding this family.
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.

Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.


The StepChild's Bill of Rights

1. I will be allowed to discuss and make suggestions in the decision making process for things that directly involve me, i.e. my schooling, my visitations, etc.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to have them addressed to learn to express them in an acceptable way.
3. I have the right to have limits that are set within reason and basic enough that I can understand and follow them.
4. I must be allowed and/or earn reasonable “privileges� while living with or visiting, i.e. whom I can visit and when, etc.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework, chores will be distributed equally and fairly.
6. Others may not violate my private space, nor take or use any of my possessions without my permission or reasonable suspicions.
7. I will NEVER be treated as dirt in my own Home.
8. I have the right for my father’s home to feel like my own home.
9. My father and stepmother will ALWAYS treat me with respect, even if they don't like me.
10. I have the right to my privacy within reasonable limits.
11. I have the right to be part of the process of choosing what I am allowed to call, or not call my stepmother.
12. I have the right to be completely oblivious of financial issues, marital issues, etc. unless I am a direct cause of such issues. i.e. asking for too much additional stuff. NOT child support, etc.
13. If I am the cause of above issues I have the right to be involved in a discussion regarding them in an unthreatening manner.
14. I have the right to believe my mom is the best person in the world.

Our family is our FIRST priority, and we will address as many issues together as possible.


The StepMother's Responsibilities

1. I will be an active part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I will express my feelings and to express in an appropriate manner.
3. I will set resonable limits and goals for my stepchildren, husband, family and myself
4. I will be conscious of consulting my husband (and stepchildren when appropriate) about children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will do my fair share of chores without complaint.
6. I will consult everyone involved in all matters concerning this family.
7. I will not violate others' private space, nor take or use any of their possessions without permission.
8. I will NEVER treat others as dirt in their own Home.
9. I will ALWAYS treat my stepchildren with respect, even if I don't like them.
10. I will respect my husband and stepchildren's (within reason) right to privacy regarding all issues.
11. I will compromise and come to a fair determination of what a child is allowed to call me, or not call me.
12. I will discuss openly all financial issues regarding this family i.e. child travel, schooling etc, as long as it affects me too.
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.

Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.


The Husband's Responsibilities

1. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to express them as I see fit.
3. I will be responsible for my children's actions and the consequences administered.
4. I will be conscious of consulting my wife (and children when appropriate) about children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will do my fair share of chores without complaint.
6. I will consult everyone involved in all matters concerning this family.
7. I will not violate others' private space, nor take or use any of their possessions without permission.
8. I will NEVER treat others as dirt in their own Home.
9. I will always treat my children with respect.
10. I will respect my wife and children's (within reason) right to privacy regarding all issues.
11. I will act worthy of being called dad and not try to be my children's "buddy".
12. I will discuss openly all financial issues regarding this family i.e. child travel, schooling etc,
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.

Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.


The StepChild's Responsibilities

1. I will abide by the decisions made in family discussions even if they were not my suggestions.
2. I do my best to learn to express my feelings in a healthy acceptable way.
3. I will abide by the limits set for me and accept the consequences gracefully for testing the limits.
4. I will do my best to maintain and/or earn reasonable “privileges� while living with or visiting, i.e. whom I can visit and when, etc.
5. I will do my fair share of chores without complaint.
6. I will be respectful of all discussions and issues involving the family.
7. I will NEVER treat others as dirt in their own Home.
8. I have the right for my father’s home to feel like my own home.
9. I will always treat my father and stepmother with respect.
10. I will respect other's privacy.
11. I will compromise and come to a fair determination of what I am allowed to call, or not call my stepmother.
12. I will not butt my nose into financial and/or marital issues.
13. If I am the cause of above issues I will do whatever I can to help come to a reasonable solution.
14. I will accept the fact that even if I think my mom is the best person in the world, there are at least 2 other people who care for me and deserve to be acknowledge sometimes.

Our family is our FIRST priority, and we will address as many issues together as possible.

Virtual Reality vs. Actuality

After receiving a note from Casey (via MySpace, where she found and friended me), I noticed that her top "friend" is her mother. Against every bit of good sense and judgement (and because I noticed that the mother's profile photo, so prominently displayed on her daughter's site, featured her, posing nude), I clicked through.

I can't help but be frustrated at this woman's cavalier attitude toward the responsibility of motherhood. She posts photos of her daughter (some where her daughter is posed in a way that I would consider inappropriate for her age) and comments that she is her "baby" and her "one and only" - and yet she dropped the child off with relatives and numerous times has left Charming messages asking him to just sign the paperwork for full custody so she doesn't have to deal with "the brat." She also comments on her idol, Britney Spears, and has an entire nude photo collection on her site. I wonder what kind of example this is going to set for Casey, and how it will affect her decisions as she hits adolescence and moves on to high school. I worry for her and can't understand why more intervention hasn't taken place.

"You don't have kids, you don't understand," is the only reply I ever get.

Another thing that I noticed, that stung, was that she lists Charming as one of her "top friends." The sting is moreso because I know I can't go to him and ask him about it, and because I can't ever ask him to stop interacting with her. Charming told me when we got together that he saw no reason that anyone should ever be "friends" with or hang out with an ex (he was referring to his jealousy over my meeting my ex for a drink to discuss calmly how we were going to split up our furniture and how he was going to get me the money he owed me for bills, among other things). I asked him, in front of his friend (who also has a daughter and is re-married), how he could actually say something like that to me and maintain a relationship with his ex (I would think he of all people would be most understanding), and they both immediately said, "It's different."

Is it? Because I didn't have a child with my ex (with whom I lived for 5 years, as opposed to his few month relationship with the mother of his child), do I now have the right to be in contact with him?

Being a Childless Stepmom is Different

I came across this post on a Geocities blog, Being a Childless Stepmom is Different, and it really hit home for me. Tomorrow is D Day for me, I have my next Dr. appointment, after which he will tell me (hopefully on the spot) what my prognosis is, and whether or not my previous diagnosis will prevent me from having children.

"Being a stepmom was in NOBODY's plan."

I wonder, with the cultural shift our generation has seen, if someday being a stepmom won't have such an evil connotation to children, and if people will accept it more. Charming told me last night that Casey's mood swings stem from her being around her mother (I can only imagine what her mother says about me) and from her insecurities with me. He thinks Casey is jealous that another woman has come into her father's life and that she is being replaced. He also began to say that if he ever had more children, he would have to do so in a way that reassured Casey that she is still #1. I'm not sure that I can live with that - with MY child being #2. And I told him such. His response was that any child he ever fathered and every child he ever fathered would always be #1 - all simultaneously.

I guess I will understand if/when I am a parent, but where I grew up, there were always favorites among broods. And I'm torn. While any child I have SHOULD be his #1, and his priority, so should his daughter. Is it fair that I feel apprehensive that he would somehow care more about his first child than one that we have together?

Success! In theory, anyway

Charming was far more receptive to our discussion (once he got over his initial defense mechanisms) than I'd expected. Perhaps it was that I was prepared - I used all of the active listening lessons and feeling words ("I can understand that you're feeling like I don't like your daughter, and I can see why you would feel that way. I'm very sorry. because that's not how I feel. I feel...").

I think the "Aha" moment came when he finally looked at me and said, "So I guess this is what you were talking about when you said I needed to plan better for her to come out. I never would have thought about these things - I would have had her playing all summer long."

Among the "rules" and "boundaries" that we established:

1. What's mine is mine, and I have the right to not share those things, or to have my space violated while Casey is with us. These things include my bedroom, my closets, my fragile keepsakes, my expensive saltwater fish tanks, and my two precious dogs - especially them. I don't mind if she plays with the dogs (carefully, as our puppy is only 6 months and 2 pounds, and VERY breakable), but they will be stressed by the new addition as well, and I aim to minimize that.

2. While in my home, she must respect me as a person, and respect me as an authority figure. Temper tantrums, nasty comments, "What are YOU doing here's?" will be dealt with sternly and quickly by her father.

3. She will have a routine. That routine WILL include chores, summer reading, and working on her academics. She will not lounge around and expect that I pick up after her.

4. There will be "grown up time." At least once every other week (once a week if possible), we will have the night off to ourselves to enjoy some grown up, calm time.

5. To manage finances effectively, Casey will get an allowance for completing all of her chores and for making it through the week without tantrums.

6. Fun trips, extracurriculars and weekend adventures will be kept to a reasonable volume and will be rewards for positive behavior, not to be taken for granted.

I'll be revisiting the "Stepmom Bill of Rights" I found on www.stepmothersmilk.com, but am I missing anything major?

The Talk

About to attempt (again) a conversation about expectations for this coming summer. Meeting Charming for dinner and a drink and hoping that a public setting will 1. Make the conversation seem less intimidating, 2. Make him less likely to be on the defensive, and 3. Prevent any potential arguments that would stem from that defensiveness.

Fingers crossed!

Opening the Communication Channels

Since discovering this wonderful Web of Stepmommy blogs, I've found both comfort (I no longer feel like I'm insane, born without a Mommy gene, insensitive or selfish, and I find solace in knowing that I'm not the only person with a relationship that - at times - seems completely disfunctional because of the seemingly insane arguments that no two year old relationship should be facing) and additional anxiety - I'm less than 3 months away from Casey's summer stay with us in Florida, which may (I have suspicions) turn into a "permanent vacation.

One of my biggest fears/anxieties about her coming presence is that there is little to no communication between Charming and I about his plans, goals, expectations, or my role in the situation. I'm not a "stepmom" - as her father and I aren't married (even though that's how she refers to me), and I don't feel like I have the ability to share with him all of the helpful resources I've found online that pertain to married couples who are welcoming one partner's children into the blended family. While we are committed to each other and will have been together for two years by the time she comes to visit, I still feel awkward introducing or even discussing the things most stepmoms outline with their partners.

What, if any, are MY rights as a step mom to be? How should my role vary from that of a step mom who is already married to the SK's father?

Surviving the Rough Patches

One of the hardest parts - for me - of becoming a someday stepmom and dating a dad is that I didn't know the rules. None of my friends had ever had the experience (very few of our friends had children, period, and those that did were married) of dating a dad or dealing with an ex that won't ever go away - who manipulates the people around her - including my Charming.

Since I've started writing about my own experiences, I've come across a number of awesome blogs/forums by women just like me. I'm learning an entirely new vernacular and all of the acronyms that go with it. Before 2009, I had no idea what a BM, or SD, or DH meant. I didn't have any concept of what it meant to establish boundaries with a biomom, or to let the bioparent take on the lead role in the house as the disciplinarian and parent and to take a back seat.

Since I haven't had anyone to share experiences or compare notes with, I've often been frustrated and angry. Charming is always on the defensive; while we haven't talked about his past relationships, I heard from Casey once that all of his ex girlfriends were mean to her and didn't like her, so I imagine her presence has caused a strain on his romantic life, and he's developed an angry strategy as a defense mechanism - but it makes it much harder to plan for having this child come into my home, to understand what's expected of me and what his expectations are, without having an open line of communication.

It's now February, and in 16 weeks, Casey will be coming to live with us for 3 1/2 months during her summer break. Having begun to read these blogs/forums online has been immensely helpful, but the alarms are still going off.

Reading these blogs, one of my favorites being www.stepmothersmilk.com, has become a form of therapy for me, as well as an informal how-to guide and what to expect. Too bad "What to Expect When You're Expecting" does

Publish Post

n't come in Stepmom volume.

Day Three: Rock Bottom

Day three started much like the past two. I made breakfast, ran the dishwasher, and raced off to work. Charming and Casey headed for the pool to play, with Charming promising me he was going to be online within the hour so that he could catch up on the client work he'd been neglecting.

I was sitting at my desk, plugging away at press outreach, when the office receptionist buzzed my line, telling me that I had a call from the doctor's office on line 2. I was confused - I hadn't been to a doctor in almost a month, and wasn't expecting to hear from anyone.

"Ms. 'Rella? Did you get our voicemail?"

"No, what voicemail?"

"You need to come back into the office. Your pap results showed a presence of cancer cells on your cervix, and we need to..."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I think my heart stopped beating for a minute. I asked the nurse on the line if I could call her back from my mobile, and stepped outside, trying to process what I'd just heard. After a few breaths, I dialed the line. The nurse, who clearly had no concept of bedside manner, told me that I was going to have to schedule a cone biopsy, and that based on the results of that biopsy, the doctors would have to perform a partial or full hysterectomy. As if that wasn't bad enough, the nurse told me that the biopsy itself could have consequences, including compromising my ability to carry a baby to term or requiring that I spend my third trimester on bedrest.

And that was the best case scenario. The cancer cells, if they were right, could mean a quick and painful death. I hung up the phone, completely numb. Once I composed myself, I called my father, a physician, and the man who always tells me I'm overreacting and that everything is fine immediately went into panic mode - telling me that I had to get a second opinion ASAP and recommending another physician in the area who would be able to treat me well. I asked him to call my mother and break the news to her - I didn't want to deal with my mother's devastation, couldn't deal with it, and suddenly I was sobbing.

I couldn't bear to go back into the office and sit, pretending everything was ok. I also didn't want to go home and share very personal and devastating news with three people I'd spent less than 24 hours with. I called Charming, praying that he'd answer. Nothing. We had argued in the morning about him neglecting his work - I was worried that his demanding and finicky client would be upset at his absence - and I knew he was ignoring my calls. Finally, I sent him a text.

"Please call me. Dr. office just called. They got my test results. Found cancer cells. I'm freaking out."

Then I called my best friend, who luckily was on summer break from the school where she teaches, and who said immediately, "Don't go back inside. Sit in your car and don't try to drive anywhere. I can be there in 20 minutes."

By then, Charming was calling me repeatedly, and when he answered, he told me to come home. I explained that I was in shock and didn't really want to discuss the situation with his parents until I'd had a chance to let it sink in, nor did I want to upset his daughter. BFF was going to take me to get a drink and let me cry, then drive me home. I told him I'd call him around 2:30, the time that my father expected to have an appointment set and more information from the doctor's office.

At 2:30, I called Charming, after hearing from my father. No answer. I waited 15 minutes and tried again. Still no answer. Three calls and an hour and a half later (and an angry message from me), he returned my calls and said:

"I didn't have my phone with me. I was snorkeling at the beach with my daughter. If you have a problem with that, maybe we should break up so that you can go deal with your health problems."

I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. Who was this man I was living with? Snorkeling? He went snorkeling - less than an hour after I'd been told that I had cancer. That I'd have to have a hysterectomy. That I might die. BFF was furious, and the afternoon became a giant argument with he and his family that is better left unspoken. In the end, I felt compelled to apologize to his family for inconveniencing them and ruining their vacation day, and apologized to Charming for being upset that he was with his daughter.

But still, resentment kept building. If my horrible diagnosis wasn't enough to have a moment of his time, if snorkeling with his daughter was more important than lending me a shoulder to cry on or even just being there for me (we'd been together almost a year at this point), then nothing would ever be. I realized that day what it meant to date a dad - I would always be number two, no matter how traumatic or emergency my situation. I would never be enough of a priority for Charming to say, "I have to be here for her right now."

Mixed Feelings

After another sleepless night - I assumed by this point that Casey's fits would be a nightly ritual, and really wasn't looking forward to the coming three weeks - I trudged off to the office. The night before had slowly gotten better. For whatever reason, Casey decided that she didn't want to glower at me all night, and sometime after the dishes were done, asked me to take her in the pool for a second snorkel lesson. Charming quickly jumped in and took over, and I wound up sitting by the side of the pool watching.

Again, I was full of mixed feelings. On one hand, I was happy that they were able to spend time together. I was happy that they were both so happy. But, I was confused. He wanted me to build a relationship with his daughter, and the opportunity that I'd had to do something with her was taken away when he took over less than 5 minutes after I got in the pool. And I couldn't help but feeling rejected and left out of the situation. When he'd gotten in, I'd been completely excluded from their conversation and interaction. Was I wrong for these feelings?

Day Two

After making a big breakfast (I'd made a late night stack of pancakes for Casey at her request, and she'd insisted that I make them for her again the following morning), I headed off to work, exhausted from the previous night.

After our pancakes, Casey had decided that she didn't want to go to bed, and had thrown her first fit - which consisted of her running from room to room, wailing and crying, and refusing to talk to anyone who approached her. She parked herself in front of our bedroom door until almost 3 am, while Charming and her grandparents tried to appease her and made extensions to her bed time (each subsequent time wasn't enough for her, and when her time was up, the fit resumed).

After a long day at the office, I headed home, ready to have a glass of wine and unwind by the pool, a post-stressful day ritual. As I walked into the house, I was greeted by the smell of dinner, which Charming was making with Casey and his father while his mother sipped my last glass of Chardonnay. When Casey saw me, she glared at me angrily, placed herself territorially between her father and I, and said, "What are you doing home already?"

I was stung. I had tried so hard the night before to make a good impression, and I thought things had gone so well. No one else noticed - or at least acknowledged that they'd noticed - her comment, and Charming said hello from the stove. Casey continued to glare at me angrily for some time.

I'd never felt so out of place in my own home. It was as if they lived there, and I was intruding on their space. Defeated, I retreated to the solice of my bedroom to change, which I did slowly, stalling on heading back downstairs. So much for my glass of wine and relaxing evening.

The Big Day

The big day was finally here. I changed outfits three times, paced around the house for an hour making sure that everything was clean, and dealt with loose ends for our product launch. The ride to the airport was somewhat peaceful, with Charming assuring me that I would do fine, that everyone loves Casey and that she loves everyone because she's so easy going.

And then she was there. Their reunion was touching - I could see how much they care about each other and felt guilty even considering my own feelings/thoughts. That was what mattered. I could make my work schedule work around their family's plans, regardless of what the repercussions would be. It didn't matter that they'd booked the Disney World trip for the day after my product launch - the most important day for any marketing pro when a product launches.

We took the family to dinner, had a few drinks, and were off to a good start. Casey was quiet with me at first, but warmed up to me within the first hour, and by the end of the evening, was holding my hand and practicing snorkeling in our pool with the set that I'd bought for her as a welcome gift.

Misdiagnosis...

After two additional follow ups, 10 days of horrible nausea as I was forced to take drugs prescribed to treat an STD that I didn't have, I was told that I did not, in fact, have a hydrosalpinx. What I had was abnormally concentrated vasculature in my abdomen, and the fluid filled sac was in fact just a vein. The meds were stopped, although the pain continued, as did the abnormal bleeding and cramping. The doctors basically told me that this condition was something that just happened to women in their late 20s sometimes, and that it would go away in due time.

Situations at home weren't getting any better. Tensions were growing as my hours got longer - Charming was resenting my job since he was still only working part-time and from home, and he was frustrated that I was sick all the time.

Adding to the stress were the recently-announced plans that his parents had. They and Casey would be coming for three weeks, overlapping the major product launch that I'd been working so hard on, which meant that I would be juggling a difficult balance of work, family time, and trying to create some sort of relationship with the little girl who I feared would be the end to what had once been a perfect relationship. I also knew that - with tensions being what they were and with the work demands that I knew would be coming - that these three weeks were going to be very long and very trying.

Storm on the Horizon.

As the silence about his past continued, so did his family meetings and discussions about how best to handle his daughter. It was discussed at length whether or not she should move to Florida to be with him, whether or not he should file for custody of her. But the only discussion I heard was what drifted my way from the next room. When I finally was upset enough to confront him about it and tell him that it would be nice to be included in this discussion, his response was, "She's my daughter and she needs her father. It's a family matter." Case closed. That simple.

Resentment was continuing to fester with me. I have never in my life felt so torn - - I CANT be mad at him. He's right, it is his daughter and he does need to do what's best for her. But - it's my life, too, that would be altered - - having a child moving into our home when we were only just getting to know each other was a lot to ask, even considering the circumstances. I hadn't had a child at 20. I had been responsible and remained single and without children so that I could enjoy my 20s and have a child when I was ready to settle down and mature and financially secure enough to do the best damned job a parent ever has in raising him or her.

I started getting scared. I didn't think I could deal with having this person in my house. I'd overheard phone conversations he'd have with his sister - - in one case, his sister called him furious because she'd had an argument with the Ex on the phone (the Ex demanded that the sister babysit for her, and the sister hadn't been able to, so the Ex turned to angry words and hung up on her). The sister had called her back and told her she'd been inappropriate and that she should apologize. After that call, Casey had called HER and called her names, screamed at her and apparently shown her no respect. I heard Charming tell his sister, she's spoiled. Charming's mother called and forwarded an email that Casey had sent HER (she was on vacation at the time) demanding that the sister apologize, threatening the mother and carrying on like...well, a spoiled brat. I definitely knew I couldn't deal with that.

Right about now, it was planned that she would come out and stay for an indeterminate length during the summer - and I started having anxiety. Charming was barely making ends meet with his consulting work, and sending back child support to the Ex every month (which meant I had to cover more than my share of the bills). That made me angry. His reasoning was that I made more money than he did, so I should have to pay more. My reasoning was, he should be able to support himself. We weren't getting engaged, we certainly weren't getting married, and in my opinion, covering his bills so that he could send money back to the Ex - who doesn't work and is apparently on disability because she doesn't want to work - is tantamount to ME paying his child support.

We began fighting. I couldn't deal with the thought of having a little monster in my house (I had nightmares often) and being completely outnumbered without a say as to how my house ran (Charming has a horrible case of DDS - Divorced Dad Syndrome - Casey walked all over him, got everything she wanted, and apparently was quite manipulative of everyone else in her family.). I still hadn't met this little girl, and no one had discussed plans with me. I didn't know when anyone was coming, or who was coming (it went from being his daughter to his entire family, then back and forth).

My hours at work were getting longer and longer, and the stress of work was piling on. We were planning for a major product release and as the marketing manager, it was my job to make sure that everything went off smoothly. Meanwhile, Charming was working part-time, enjoying the beach, and doing nothing extra to be sure he'd be in good financial shape if and when his daughter came out, so he could keep to all the plans he'd made - including trips to the Keys and Disney World.

I started to get sick. Horrible abdominal cramps, so much pain that I could barely get out of bed. I didn't want to go to the doctor - I've had "female problems" since I was 13, and I thought that this was an extension of the PMDD that I suffer combined with my stress. Finally, though, Charming convinced me it was time to seek help, and took me to the emergency room. There, I got the shock of my life. After a number of tests, a doctor came into my room and told me that not only did I have 3 fibroid tumors and that my right ovary was covered in cysts, but he claimed that my left falopian tube was completely blocked and I had something called a hydrosalpinx - a fluid filled falopian tube that would prevent any eggs from getting through. My fertility was extremely compromised and getting pregnant would be a challenge.

I was devastated.

Enter the Ex.

After getting an amazing job offer in Florida, Charming decided that, in order to make our relationship work, he wanted to move to Florida with me - rather than continue our long distance relationship. I was anxious - and heavily advised against it (mom and friends warned me, "If you let him move in with you without a commitment, you'll never get one. Look what happened with your last relationship.")

Always stubborn, I put my concerns aside and agreed to the arrangement. Three weeks later, we would find ourselves 1200 miles from my home, 4000 miles from his, surrounded by no one we knew and in the company of a partner that, we quickly realized, we had a lot to learn about. The first few months were tough. We'd gotten along famously during our one - two week visits with each other, and we'd been spending 24/7 together. What made this so much different?

Enter the Ex. Just before the move, perhaps (though he'll never discuss it with me and I'll never know for sure) out of spite for the fact that he was moving to sunny Florida while she was in rural Oregon, the Ex began to have a major meltdown. Her relationship with her longtime live-in boyfriend dissipated, and she began a string of moves - moving Casey through three districts and simply not sending her to school in one year before being warned that she'd face fines if she didn't shape up. While Charming and I were looking at homes, he had to step away numerous times to argue with her on the phone about yet ANOTHER move she'd spontaneously planned, and she insisted that he head home early from the trip to help her move. Throughout our four days of job hunting and exploring the area, they had more than 4 shouting matches on the phone, and he'd spent at least 10 - 12 hours on the phone discussing everything with his family.

Charming still was in lockdown mode about what was going on. He would tell me later that he wanted to "shield me" from the Ex as much as possible, but all it did was make me uneasy, uncomfortable, and insecure with our own relationship. When I overheard him discuss with his parents (less than an hour after signing the lease on our new home that - because we had to have room for Casey and his home office - would cost a lot more than I'd be comfortable paying myself) how he may just move in with them and stay with his daughter through the end of the school year to avoid having her change schools again, I couldn't help but be crushed. I knew he had to do what was best for his daughter, but I was due in Florida in early March (it was now late Feburary), and I'd just signed a lease and put a lot of money down on a home that I couldn't afford by myself, to accomodate he and his daughter - who I had yet to meet. I felt selfish and uneasy - he clearly got upset when talking about things, but I felt completely in the dark. Until now, his fights with the Ex had had little bearing on me. Now, her actions were directly affecting me - financially and emotionally, as well as affecting the stability of my relationship with Charming. I was resentful and guilt-ridden at the same time. Had it been any other ex, I could have been angry. I could have demanded that he make a decision as to whether he was moving to Florida or staying in Oregon. But I couldn't. I couldn't say anything. All I could do was sit and wonder what was going to happen - if we were going to start a life together or if he was going to leave me up to my eyeballs in bills in a strange state where I knew no one.

I started wondering about her - was she pretty? Was he still attracted to her? What had happened in their relationship that they had parted ways? Charming stood firm on his silence - there was no discussing anything about their relationship, or about his daughter, with him. Instead, I started getting frustrated and resentful.

When we moved in together, the phone calls continued. I would work all day and come home to sit for hours while he would have family conference calls, or - on worse days - individual calls with his mother, father, and sisters to discuss the Ex in detail. He'd walk into other rooms so I couldn't hear him, or step outside. Then, hours later, he'd come back into the room and, as if nothing happened, continue on about his day. When I'd try to ask, he'd refuse to discuss what was going on, only saying, "She's having a bad day again." My frustration continued to grow, as did my insecurities about our relationship.

If he couldn't discuss with me something that was so important to him (yet he could with his family and with his friends) how were we going to build a life together?

Testing, Testing...1..2..3...

"My parents are coming up for lunch tomorrow and bringing Casey."

What? I thought. It was my first trip to Portland to visit Charming - about four months into our relationship (he'd flown out to see me in the meantime), and we had had a lovely week so far. I knew he intended for me to meet his parents while I was there, and I'd already met his sister and brother-in-law, but I had no expectations of meeting his daughter. I rolled over, I'd been watching a gorgeous sunrise over the city, and immediately felt an anxiety like I'd never felt. Although I couldn't place it at the time, I think it was a combination of experiences that had me terrified. I was nervous meeting his parents - I never had been in the past, but my ex's mother (while she loved me at first), gave me a terrible phobia of would-be mother-in-laws, and Charming was the family baby and only son (with three older sisters - the first potential red flag being his pecking order and "Baby" status). And he told me he was very close with his mother. Still, while anxious, I was assured that she would love me, and that set me at ease.

But this? Not only had the idea of him having a daughter not fully registered with me (I'm completely sure, looking back, that not having met her, she wasn't really real to me - and since she didn't live with him, her presence wasn't a day-to-day reality for me), but I was going to be meeting her AND his parents at the same time?

Suddenly, I was faced with being judged not only for my appearance, manners, conversation, personality, career goals, and domestic potential, but I was going to be scrutinized for my maternal capabilities. I am not a child-hating wench, but I had spent very little time around young children, and suddenly was very ill-at-ease and unsure of how to handle myself. Would she hate me? Would she resent me? Would she ruin the relationship I had with her father out of jealousy?

Charming really didn't talk about his daughter. He almost made it a point not to, and whenever I tried to discuss it with him, he became very curt and would change the subject as quickly as humanly possible. He refused to talk about his ex, claiming that just thinking of her made him angry. So I really knew very little. I knew her parents had never married, that she was 11, and that she played basketball (he mentioned once going to her game). I knew his ex was bipolar and that he and she did not get along at all, barely communicated and never saw each other. I also knew that his parents had done most of the raising with Casey, and that his mother allegedly let her do whatever she wanted.

Only a few hours later, Charming's mother called back to cancel the plans, claiming that his sister was ill and she would have to help out with her son. I later learned that Charming's brother-in-law, who I'd mentioned my unease to earlier in the week, had scolded his mother and told her that it was "too soon" for me to meet her.

We went to lunch a few days later, and just with his parents. This was, however, my first realization that there clearly were expectations of me. This was no longer just a casual relationship - if they wanted me to meet his daughter, there were deeper expectations to be had. And even though I didn't meet her on that trip, she became real, as did the thought that someday I might be the "evil stepmother."

Once Upon A Time...

A year ago, I was a carefree single gal livin' it up in a Manhattan suburb. I had a great job, I'd recently become single, and I had a great, close group of friends that kept me out and about on the social scene. It was then that I met Charming, at a conference networking function. I wasn't on the lookout for love (in fact I'd sworn off relationships after my last five year stint crashed and burned), but there was an instant connection there. As a total career gal with big aspirations, I was impressed at how quickly we got to know each other and within the same night, were working the room together, networking and mingling with all the industry heavy-hitters.

After running into him at the conference the following day, he called to invite me to dinner, and we later went for drinks. Things were going great - he was handsome, charming, funny, laid-back, and into business just as much as I was. I was surprised at how quickly he'd won me over and really how comfortable it was being with him. The bar was noisy - so noisy that we couldn't hear each other well over the music and din, and I'd had a couple of cocktails, but we were having a surprisingly good conversation about work, the technology industry, and our own interests. It was then that he said - and to this day I don't know what the full sentence was - "with my daughter."

"Your what?"

"My daugher. She's 11."

I felt like I'd just had all the air let out of me. He must be married! No? Divorced? No. He explained that he'd fathered a child with his high school girlfriend, when their relationship had already been on the chopping block. His ex had been living with another man for most of his daughter's life, who was serving as a good role model for his daughter, and he saw her on holidays and over her summer break. Did he still see his ex? Firm no.

Adding insult to injury, I'd just found out that he lived in Portland, some 3000+ miles away from where I'd be returning the next day. So much for perfect. But he was. We had a great chemistry. However, the news of his child almost ended our conversation. My mother, who'd been prodding me since my 25th birthday that I should start considering whether or not I wanted kids and take action (and showing her thoughts by buying enough baby clothes to last a child through her - not his, I had to have a baby girl - 5th birthday), had warned me when I broke things off with my ex that I needed to consider settling down, because once I hit 30, it would be hard to find a good man who wasn't divorced and with kids, and that I didn't want to deal with that kind of baggage. And I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it myself either - - I'd seen Stepmom and read enough fairy tales to know that any relationship with this person would lead to a major challenge.

And yet, once we left the conference and headed our own ways home, we began corresponding, by email, IM and phone. A few months later, I was hooked, and the nerves and warning alarms faded behind my growing feelings.