Storm on the Horizon.

As the silence about his past continued, so did his family meetings and discussions about how best to handle his daughter. It was discussed at length whether or not she should move to Florida to be with him, whether or not he should file for custody of her. But the only discussion I heard was what drifted my way from the next room. When I finally was upset enough to confront him about it and tell him that it would be nice to be included in this discussion, his response was, "She's my daughter and she needs her father. It's a family matter." Case closed. That simple.

Resentment was continuing to fester with me. I have never in my life felt so torn - - I CANT be mad at him. He's right, it is his daughter and he does need to do what's best for her. But - it's my life, too, that would be altered - - having a child moving into our home when we were only just getting to know each other was a lot to ask, even considering the circumstances. I hadn't had a child at 20. I had been responsible and remained single and without children so that I could enjoy my 20s and have a child when I was ready to settle down and mature and financially secure enough to do the best damned job a parent ever has in raising him or her.

I started getting scared. I didn't think I could deal with having this person in my house. I'd overheard phone conversations he'd have with his sister - - in one case, his sister called him furious because she'd had an argument with the Ex on the phone (the Ex demanded that the sister babysit for her, and the sister hadn't been able to, so the Ex turned to angry words and hung up on her). The sister had called her back and told her she'd been inappropriate and that she should apologize. After that call, Casey had called HER and called her names, screamed at her and apparently shown her no respect. I heard Charming tell his sister, she's spoiled. Charming's mother called and forwarded an email that Casey had sent HER (she was on vacation at the time) demanding that the sister apologize, threatening the mother and carrying on like...well, a spoiled brat. I definitely knew I couldn't deal with that.

Right about now, it was planned that she would come out and stay for an indeterminate length during the summer - and I started having anxiety. Charming was barely making ends meet with his consulting work, and sending back child support to the Ex every month (which meant I had to cover more than my share of the bills). That made me angry. His reasoning was that I made more money than he did, so I should have to pay more. My reasoning was, he should be able to support himself. We weren't getting engaged, we certainly weren't getting married, and in my opinion, covering his bills so that he could send money back to the Ex - who doesn't work and is apparently on disability because she doesn't want to work - is tantamount to ME paying his child support.

We began fighting. I couldn't deal with the thought of having a little monster in my house (I had nightmares often) and being completely outnumbered without a say as to how my house ran (Charming has a horrible case of DDS - Divorced Dad Syndrome - Casey walked all over him, got everything she wanted, and apparently was quite manipulative of everyone else in her family.). I still hadn't met this little girl, and no one had discussed plans with me. I didn't know when anyone was coming, or who was coming (it went from being his daughter to his entire family, then back and forth).

My hours at work were getting longer and longer, and the stress of work was piling on. We were planning for a major product release and as the marketing manager, it was my job to make sure that everything went off smoothly. Meanwhile, Charming was working part-time, enjoying the beach, and doing nothing extra to be sure he'd be in good financial shape if and when his daughter came out, so he could keep to all the plans he'd made - including trips to the Keys and Disney World.

I started to get sick. Horrible abdominal cramps, so much pain that I could barely get out of bed. I didn't want to go to the doctor - I've had "female problems" since I was 13, and I thought that this was an extension of the PMDD that I suffer combined with my stress. Finally, though, Charming convinced me it was time to seek help, and took me to the emergency room. There, I got the shock of my life. After a number of tests, a doctor came into my room and told me that not only did I have 3 fibroid tumors and that my right ovary was covered in cysts, but he claimed that my left falopian tube was completely blocked and I had something called a hydrosalpinx - a fluid filled falopian tube that would prevent any eggs from getting through. My fertility was extremely compromised and getting pregnant would be a challenge.

I was devastated.

Enter the Ex.

After getting an amazing job offer in Florida, Charming decided that, in order to make our relationship work, he wanted to move to Florida with me - rather than continue our long distance relationship. I was anxious - and heavily advised against it (mom and friends warned me, "If you let him move in with you without a commitment, you'll never get one. Look what happened with your last relationship.")

Always stubborn, I put my concerns aside and agreed to the arrangement. Three weeks later, we would find ourselves 1200 miles from my home, 4000 miles from his, surrounded by no one we knew and in the company of a partner that, we quickly realized, we had a lot to learn about. The first few months were tough. We'd gotten along famously during our one - two week visits with each other, and we'd been spending 24/7 together. What made this so much different?

Enter the Ex. Just before the move, perhaps (though he'll never discuss it with me and I'll never know for sure) out of spite for the fact that he was moving to sunny Florida while she was in rural Oregon, the Ex began to have a major meltdown. Her relationship with her longtime live-in boyfriend dissipated, and she began a string of moves - moving Casey through three districts and simply not sending her to school in one year before being warned that she'd face fines if she didn't shape up. While Charming and I were looking at homes, he had to step away numerous times to argue with her on the phone about yet ANOTHER move she'd spontaneously planned, and she insisted that he head home early from the trip to help her move. Throughout our four days of job hunting and exploring the area, they had more than 4 shouting matches on the phone, and he'd spent at least 10 - 12 hours on the phone discussing everything with his family.

Charming still was in lockdown mode about what was going on. He would tell me later that he wanted to "shield me" from the Ex as much as possible, but all it did was make me uneasy, uncomfortable, and insecure with our own relationship. When I overheard him discuss with his parents (less than an hour after signing the lease on our new home that - because we had to have room for Casey and his home office - would cost a lot more than I'd be comfortable paying myself) how he may just move in with them and stay with his daughter through the end of the school year to avoid having her change schools again, I couldn't help but be crushed. I knew he had to do what was best for his daughter, but I was due in Florida in early March (it was now late Feburary), and I'd just signed a lease and put a lot of money down on a home that I couldn't afford by myself, to accomodate he and his daughter - who I had yet to meet. I felt selfish and uneasy - he clearly got upset when talking about things, but I felt completely in the dark. Until now, his fights with the Ex had had little bearing on me. Now, her actions were directly affecting me - financially and emotionally, as well as affecting the stability of my relationship with Charming. I was resentful and guilt-ridden at the same time. Had it been any other ex, I could have been angry. I could have demanded that he make a decision as to whether he was moving to Florida or staying in Oregon. But I couldn't. I couldn't say anything. All I could do was sit and wonder what was going to happen - if we were going to start a life together or if he was going to leave me up to my eyeballs in bills in a strange state where I knew no one.

I started wondering about her - was she pretty? Was he still attracted to her? What had happened in their relationship that they had parted ways? Charming stood firm on his silence - there was no discussing anything about their relationship, or about his daughter, with him. Instead, I started getting frustrated and resentful.

When we moved in together, the phone calls continued. I would work all day and come home to sit for hours while he would have family conference calls, or - on worse days - individual calls with his mother, father, and sisters to discuss the Ex in detail. He'd walk into other rooms so I couldn't hear him, or step outside. Then, hours later, he'd come back into the room and, as if nothing happened, continue on about his day. When I'd try to ask, he'd refuse to discuss what was going on, only saying, "She's having a bad day again." My frustration continued to grow, as did my insecurities about our relationship.

If he couldn't discuss with me something that was so important to him (yet he could with his family and with his friends) how were we going to build a life together?