Boundaries

I've found another wonderful resource to prepare myself for stepmotherhood - Childless Stepmoms Chat - http://csmchat.com. The women in the forums have been great in terms of advice and support - and I'd recommend the site for anyone who's about to embark on a similar experience.

One of the responses I received recently in the forum is about consideration, and indirectly, boundaries. One of the CSMs, Christa, wrote to me:

"Please, take a step back and see how incredibly unfair all of this is to you. You are not backed into a corner. You have a say as to what goes on in your home. Is this a home that you and BF share equally, i.e. moved in together fresh? Or did you move into his already established home? (The latter arrangement is the only way that I could fathom his feeling he has the right to make decisions like this without consulting you.) Either way.....you should have been a part of the decision making process to have SD join her dad. "

Most of my friends are echoing the same sentiment, and I can't help but feel the same. Unfortunately, my mother, Charming, and his friends seem to feel the opposite. I knew he had a daughter when we got together - and, as my mother always says, "His daughter has to always come first. You can't ever put yourself in a higher position than her because you're just going to lose him."

So I wonder - what's a SM to do in a situation like this? I feel like I should have a say in what goes on in my own home (Especially since the home is mine - as are all of the belongings in it minus his clothes and computers/video games). But is that say more symbolic than anything? Of course he should have asked/discussed with me, but if the gesture was more out of symbolic obligation than anything, does it really matter?

When we got together, he was a single guy who had a daughter that he saw a few times a year and on holidays. His daughter was in a stable situation with her mom and her mom's long-time boyfriend. I got involved with him only after he reassured me that he didn't interact with Bio Mom (not true, as you can see in my other posts), and under the condition that he wouldn't pressure me into having her move in with us unless we were in a committed relationship.

Are there SMs out there in Cyberworld who have actually put their foot down and denied their boyfriends/husbands the ability to have their stepkids move in with them? If so, under what circumstances, and what was the outcome? And is it reasonable for me to hold him to his promise to me - that he would commit to me before having his daughter come stay with us?