Opening the Communication Channels

Since discovering this wonderful Web of Stepmommy blogs, I've found both comfort (I no longer feel like I'm insane, born without a Mommy gene, insensitive or selfish, and I find solace in knowing that I'm not the only person with a relationship that - at times - seems completely disfunctional because of the seemingly insane arguments that no two year old relationship should be facing) and additional anxiety - I'm less than 3 months away from Casey's summer stay with us in Florida, which may (I have suspicions) turn into a "permanent vacation.

One of my biggest fears/anxieties about her coming presence is that there is little to no communication between Charming and I about his plans, goals, expectations, or my role in the situation. I'm not a "stepmom" - as her father and I aren't married (even though that's how she refers to me), and I don't feel like I have the ability to share with him all of the helpful resources I've found online that pertain to married couples who are welcoming one partner's children into the blended family. While we are committed to each other and will have been together for two years by the time she comes to visit, I still feel awkward introducing or even discussing the things most stepmoms outline with their partners.

What, if any, are MY rights as a step mom to be? How should my role vary from that of a step mom who is already married to the SK's father?

Enter the Ex.

After getting an amazing job offer in Florida, Charming decided that, in order to make our relationship work, he wanted to move to Florida with me - rather than continue our long distance relationship. I was anxious - and heavily advised against it (mom and friends warned me, "If you let him move in with you without a commitment, you'll never get one. Look what happened with your last relationship.")

Always stubborn, I put my concerns aside and agreed to the arrangement. Three weeks later, we would find ourselves 1200 miles from my home, 4000 miles from his, surrounded by no one we knew and in the company of a partner that, we quickly realized, we had a lot to learn about. The first few months were tough. We'd gotten along famously during our one - two week visits with each other, and we'd been spending 24/7 together. What made this so much different?

Enter the Ex. Just before the move, perhaps (though he'll never discuss it with me and I'll never know for sure) out of spite for the fact that he was moving to sunny Florida while she was in rural Oregon, the Ex began to have a major meltdown. Her relationship with her longtime live-in boyfriend dissipated, and she began a string of moves - moving Casey through three districts and simply not sending her to school in one year before being warned that she'd face fines if she didn't shape up. While Charming and I were looking at homes, he had to step away numerous times to argue with her on the phone about yet ANOTHER move she'd spontaneously planned, and she insisted that he head home early from the trip to help her move. Throughout our four days of job hunting and exploring the area, they had more than 4 shouting matches on the phone, and he'd spent at least 10 - 12 hours on the phone discussing everything with his family.

Charming still was in lockdown mode about what was going on. He would tell me later that he wanted to "shield me" from the Ex as much as possible, but all it did was make me uneasy, uncomfortable, and insecure with our own relationship. When I overheard him discuss with his parents (less than an hour after signing the lease on our new home that - because we had to have room for Casey and his home office - would cost a lot more than I'd be comfortable paying myself) how he may just move in with them and stay with his daughter through the end of the school year to avoid having her change schools again, I couldn't help but be crushed. I knew he had to do what was best for his daughter, but I was due in Florida in early March (it was now late Feburary), and I'd just signed a lease and put a lot of money down on a home that I couldn't afford by myself, to accomodate he and his daughter - who I had yet to meet. I felt selfish and uneasy - he clearly got upset when talking about things, but I felt completely in the dark. Until now, his fights with the Ex had had little bearing on me. Now, her actions were directly affecting me - financially and emotionally, as well as affecting the stability of my relationship with Charming. I was resentful and guilt-ridden at the same time. Had it been any other ex, I could have been angry. I could have demanded that he make a decision as to whether he was moving to Florida or staying in Oregon. But I couldn't. I couldn't say anything. All I could do was sit and wonder what was going to happen - if we were going to start a life together or if he was going to leave me up to my eyeballs in bills in a strange state where I knew no one.

I started wondering about her - was she pretty? Was he still attracted to her? What had happened in their relationship that they had parted ways? Charming stood firm on his silence - there was no discussing anything about their relationship, or about his daughter, with him. Instead, I started getting frustrated and resentful.

When we moved in together, the phone calls continued. I would work all day and come home to sit for hours while he would have family conference calls, or - on worse days - individual calls with his mother, father, and sisters to discuss the Ex in detail. He'd walk into other rooms so I couldn't hear him, or step outside. Then, hours later, he'd come back into the room and, as if nothing happened, continue on about his day. When I'd try to ask, he'd refuse to discuss what was going on, only saying, "She's having a bad day again." My frustration continued to grow, as did my insecurities about our relationship.

If he couldn't discuss with me something that was so important to him (yet he could with his family and with his friends) how were we going to build a life together?

Once Upon A Time...

A year ago, I was a carefree single gal livin' it up in a Manhattan suburb. I had a great job, I'd recently become single, and I had a great, close group of friends that kept me out and about on the social scene. It was then that I met Charming, at a conference networking function. I wasn't on the lookout for love (in fact I'd sworn off relationships after my last five year stint crashed and burned), but there was an instant connection there. As a total career gal with big aspirations, I was impressed at how quickly we got to know each other and within the same night, were working the room together, networking and mingling with all the industry heavy-hitters.

After running into him at the conference the following day, he called to invite me to dinner, and we later went for drinks. Things were going great - he was handsome, charming, funny, laid-back, and into business just as much as I was. I was surprised at how quickly he'd won me over and really how comfortable it was being with him. The bar was noisy - so noisy that we couldn't hear each other well over the music and din, and I'd had a couple of cocktails, but we were having a surprisingly good conversation about work, the technology industry, and our own interests. It was then that he said - and to this day I don't know what the full sentence was - "with my daughter."

"Your what?"

"My daugher. She's 11."

I felt like I'd just had all the air let out of me. He must be married! No? Divorced? No. He explained that he'd fathered a child with his high school girlfriend, when their relationship had already been on the chopping block. His ex had been living with another man for most of his daughter's life, who was serving as a good role model for his daughter, and he saw her on holidays and over her summer break. Did he still see his ex? Firm no.

Adding insult to injury, I'd just found out that he lived in Portland, some 3000+ miles away from where I'd be returning the next day. So much for perfect. But he was. We had a great chemistry. However, the news of his child almost ended our conversation. My mother, who'd been prodding me since my 25th birthday that I should start considering whether or not I wanted kids and take action (and showing her thoughts by buying enough baby clothes to last a child through her - not his, I had to have a baby girl - 5th birthday), had warned me when I broke things off with my ex that I needed to consider settling down, because once I hit 30, it would be hard to find a good man who wasn't divorced and with kids, and that I didn't want to deal with that kind of baggage. And I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it myself either - - I'd seen Stepmom and read enough fairy tales to know that any relationship with this person would lead to a major challenge.

And yet, once we left the conference and headed our own ways home, we began corresponding, by email, IM and phone. A few months later, I was hooked, and the nerves and warning alarms faded behind my growing feelings.