Opening the Communication Channels

Since discovering this wonderful Web of Stepmommy blogs, I've found both comfort (I no longer feel like I'm insane, born without a Mommy gene, insensitive or selfish, and I find solace in knowing that I'm not the only person with a relationship that - at times - seems completely disfunctional because of the seemingly insane arguments that no two year old relationship should be facing) and additional anxiety - I'm less than 3 months away from Casey's summer stay with us in Florida, which may (I have suspicions) turn into a "permanent vacation.

One of my biggest fears/anxieties about her coming presence is that there is little to no communication between Charming and I about his plans, goals, expectations, or my role in the situation. I'm not a "stepmom" - as her father and I aren't married (even though that's how she refers to me), and I don't feel like I have the ability to share with him all of the helpful resources I've found online that pertain to married couples who are welcoming one partner's children into the blended family. While we are committed to each other and will have been together for two years by the time she comes to visit, I still feel awkward introducing or even discussing the things most stepmoms outline with their partners.

What, if any, are MY rights as a step mom to be? How should my role vary from that of a step mom who is already married to the SK's father?

Surviving the Rough Patches

One of the hardest parts - for me - of becoming a someday stepmom and dating a dad is that I didn't know the rules. None of my friends had ever had the experience (very few of our friends had children, period, and those that did were married) of dating a dad or dealing with an ex that won't ever go away - who manipulates the people around her - including my Charming.

Since I've started writing about my own experiences, I've come across a number of awesome blogs/forums by women just like me. I'm learning an entirely new vernacular and all of the acronyms that go with it. Before 2009, I had no idea what a BM, or SD, or DH meant. I didn't have any concept of what it meant to establish boundaries with a biomom, or to let the bioparent take on the lead role in the house as the disciplinarian and parent and to take a back seat.

Since I haven't had anyone to share experiences or compare notes with, I've often been frustrated and angry. Charming is always on the defensive; while we haven't talked about his past relationships, I heard from Casey once that all of his ex girlfriends were mean to her and didn't like her, so I imagine her presence has caused a strain on his romantic life, and he's developed an angry strategy as a defense mechanism - but it makes it much harder to plan for having this child come into my home, to understand what's expected of me and what his expectations are, without having an open line of communication.

It's now February, and in 16 weeks, Casey will be coming to live with us for 3 1/2 months during her summer break. Having begun to read these blogs/forums online has been immensely helpful, but the alarms are still going off.

Reading these blogs, one of my favorites being www.stepmothersmilk.com, has become a form of therapy for me, as well as an informal how-to guide and what to expect. Too bad "What to Expect When You're Expecting" does

Publish Post

n't come in Stepmom volume.