The End

Charming and I went out to dinner tonight, to celebrate the good news I got from my doc this afternoon (yeay, I don't have to have a hysterectomy, according to my most recent biopsy). We went out, enjoyed a good meal, had good conversation and a few drinks.

Then, my mother called. My mom and I are soft-hearted for animals, and she'd just been made aware of a kill shelter in TN that is looking for homes for 20 dogs. They only have 12 cages, so at the end of the month, the remaining dogs will be put to sleep. I spoke to her on the car ride home, telling her I'd raise awareness among my Facebook network and see if I could help find some homes.

Charming, who'd had too much to drink, was not driving cautiously. I told him, as my cell phone died, that I was concerned about his ability to drive home, and suggested he pull over and we call a cab. He responded my getting agitated and speeding up, telling me he was going to continue to drive around rather than heading home. When I insisted that he head home, he pulled into the entrance of a neighborhood, more than 2 miles from my home, and shoved me out of his truck, leaving me with a dead cell phone and a long, breezy/chilly walk home.

Luckily, a police officer saw me crying on my way home and stopped. He advised that I file domestic battery charges against him, because he noticed a bruise on my arm where Charming had shoved me out of his vehicle.

This isn't the first such fight, but it's certainly the last. I deserve better than this.

Commitment

Had dinner night tonight, and talked to Charming about commitment. He thinks that we should spend another year getting to know each other before making a commitment. I figure, if we're going to spend the next year together, there should be a commitment.

I wonder - when did men decide that marriage wasn't a necessity? And is it our fault? Is this one of the negative side effects of the Women's Lib movement?

Date Night - Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Last night, Charming took me to the Hard Rock Casino for an afternoon at the tables and an evening of Billy Joel! The day was awesome, even if I just broke even and didn't win any money (I'm a very conservative gambler, so while I don't lose a lot, I don't win a lot, either). The show was amazing - really a once in a lifetime opportunity to see such a musical legend.

When I got home, I read more of the great feedback/advice in the CSMChat.com Forum, and now that I've had some time to think, I want to put out some thoughts on date nights, and ask for your feedback.

Charming has agreed that we will be having adult time and "date nights" once Casey comes out to stay with us. I wonder, however, how they will differ from our current date nights, what I should expect/demand from him, and what other CSMs out there have experienced.

I've read in a lot of places that once a week is reasonable for adult time (although I do plan on going out more often, as I have commitments with coworkers and friends). Our situation is a bit difficult, since she'll be joining us clear across the country from anyone we know who could babysit her (her family, grandparents, bio mom, etc), and I can't ask my friends to sit for her - the only friend I have with a child (he's 4) does not like Casey because the one time Casey met her son, she bullied and pushed him (he was 3 at the time, Casey was 12).

If we have to pay a sitter, who should be responsible for that?

I've also read that it's important for Charming to spend alone time with his daughter - but how often should he be doing that? Additionally - does that mean that I have to find something to do and stay away from my home, or is it reasonable to expect that during that "alone time" - if they don't want me around that he will take her elsewhere? I feel as though my being asked to stay away from the house would be inappropriate - but I welcome thoughts.

Boundaries

I've found another wonderful resource to prepare myself for stepmotherhood - Childless Stepmoms Chat - http://csmchat.com. The women in the forums have been great in terms of advice and support - and I'd recommend the site for anyone who's about to embark on a similar experience.

One of the responses I received recently in the forum is about consideration, and indirectly, boundaries. One of the CSMs, Christa, wrote to me:

"Please, take a step back and see how incredibly unfair all of this is to you. You are not backed into a corner. You have a say as to what goes on in your home. Is this a home that you and BF share equally, i.e. moved in together fresh? Or did you move into his already established home? (The latter arrangement is the only way that I could fathom his feeling he has the right to make decisions like this without consulting you.) Either way.....you should have been a part of the decision making process to have SD join her dad. "

Most of my friends are echoing the same sentiment, and I can't help but feel the same. Unfortunately, my mother, Charming, and his friends seem to feel the opposite. I knew he had a daughter when we got together - and, as my mother always says, "His daughter has to always come first. You can't ever put yourself in a higher position than her because you're just going to lose him."

So I wonder - what's a SM to do in a situation like this? I feel like I should have a say in what goes on in my own home (Especially since the home is mine - as are all of the belongings in it minus his clothes and computers/video games). But is that say more symbolic than anything? Of course he should have asked/discussed with me, but if the gesture was more out of symbolic obligation than anything, does it really matter?

When we got together, he was a single guy who had a daughter that he saw a few times a year and on holidays. His daughter was in a stable situation with her mom and her mom's long-time boyfriend. I got involved with him only after he reassured me that he didn't interact with Bio Mom (not true, as you can see in my other posts), and under the condition that he wouldn't pressure me into having her move in with us unless we were in a committed relationship.

Are there SMs out there in Cyberworld who have actually put their foot down and denied their boyfriends/husbands the ability to have their stepkids move in with them? If so, under what circumstances, and what was the outcome? And is it reasonable for me to hold him to his promise to me - that he would commit to me before having his daughter come stay with us?

Jealous

Charming thinks that I am jealous of his family; that's been our latest discussion all day today after an argument last night. He thinks I'm jealous of his sister, and I can't be honest with him about why I'm not.

A little bit of back story. He has three older half sisters. He's referring to the one closest to him in age, with whom he is very close, and with whom he is involved in an almost constant discussion for how they're going to "buck the system" and make money with some sort of technological company.

Her latest is the launch of a blog, which she clams is about technology, but whose posts range from the transcript of President Obama's inauguration speech to a blurb about her son's trip to a new dermatologist (which she wrote as a "barter" agreement for his services - I will never understand someone who barters for medical services for a toddler). She wants the blog to be a commercial success, but her writing skills aren't very refined, and she's sucked Charming into spending all of his energy and time on design for the blog - which he is convinced will be the next TechCrunch.

When I pointed out some of the very obvious errors in her writing (including blatant plagiarism from another tech blog), he suggested that I should edit her blog to help her monetize it so that she could build a name for herself. With my job, helping him with his consulting work, and my volunteer work (as well as writing for this blog and another where I contribute commercially), I really don't have the time to spend doing serious editing work o his sister's blog - but he's been insistent.

Finally, last night, I told him that I didn't want to work with his sister (who's been unemployed for more than 2 years - not because she can't get a job, but because she doesn't want to work, as she wants to be a stay at home mom). He accused me of being jealous of her, which is something I've heard him say about just about every coworker and boss he's ever told me about "She had such a hard time at that job because everyone was so jealous of her," or "Her boss gave her such a hard time about her work because she was jealous of her." I am guessing that the jealousy he's referring to is that she's blonde, blue-eyed and had an hourglass figure before her son was born, but those things never really concerned me, and I'm certainly not jealous of her life - she's with someone Charming tells me she doesn't love, her pregnancy was an accident and now she has been out of work for two years.

I am quite happy with my own by comparison - I have a successful career, I volunteer for a number of organizations and sit on two boards. I am sick, but I have had a good life so far, and I'm not stuck in an unhappy relationship.

I don't understand Charming sometimes, just like with his daughter, his mother, anyone in his families - if I don't say or do exactly what he wants - I'm "jealous" of them or I have a "problem with" them. How do I get him to be respectful of me in situations like this?

FBI Jury Duty Scam

I normally delete chain emails, but this one seems to have a legit link to the FBI Web site. Consider yourselves informed!

http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm

The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen.

Frustration

I can't help but be angry tonight, and have a few drinks, when thinking about the possibility that I may never be able to have children. No animosity toward Casey, but I am angry with Charming, who tells me that someday I will share his name. "Not soon enough," I think.

He worries that his daughter will feel "left out" if we have children. He doesn't understand that I will feel left out if we don't. Any CSM out there who shares my pain? I would love to feel like I'm not alone in my feelings!

Waiting Game

Went back to the doctor today for yet another biopsy. Still no word on the fate of my womb, but he said he would know more in the next week or so once my test results come in. Although he is one of the better, more understanding doctors I've been to, it's still frustrating that healthcare in Florida seems to be ALL business, NO personal service. He was in and out quickly and spent more time telling me about how great Bruce's halftime show during the Superbowl was than actually discussing my health concerns.

For now, I'll remain optimistic.

Rights and Responsibilities

Found this on CSMChat.com and thought it was brilliant. This will be very useful!

The StepMother's Bill of Rights

1. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to express them as I see fit.
3. I will NOT be responsible for the welfare if children for whom I can set no limits
4. I must be consulted about children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework, chores will be distributed equally and fairly.
6. I will be consulted in all matters concerning this family.
7. Others may not violate my private space, nor take or use any of my possessions without my permission.
8. I will NEVER be treated as dirt in my own Home.
9. My stepchildren will ALWAYS treat me with respect, even if they don't like me.
10. I have the right to my privacy regarding all issues.
11. I have the right to choose what a child is allowed to call me, or not call me.
12. I will be consulted about all financial issues regarding this family i.e. child travel, schooling etc, as long as it affects me too.
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.

Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.


The Husband's Bill of Rights

1. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to express them as I see fit.
3. I will NOT be undermined in my parenting decisions of the children.
4. I must be consulted about plans involving children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will not be solely responsible for car maintenance, house repairs, yard work; chores will be distributed equally and fairly.
6. I will be consulted in all matters concerning this family.
7. Others may not violate my private space, nor take or use any of my possessions without my permission.
8. I will NEVER be treated as dirt in my own Home.
9. My children will ALWAYS treat me with respect.
10. I have the right to my privacy regarding all issues.
11. I have the right to expect my children to call me dad or some variation of dad.
12. I will be consulted about all financial issues regarding this family.
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.

Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.


The StepChild's Bill of Rights

1. I will be allowed to discuss and make suggestions in the decision making process for things that directly involve me, i.e. my schooling, my visitations, etc.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to have them addressed to learn to express them in an acceptable way.
3. I have the right to have limits that are set within reason and basic enough that I can understand and follow them.
4. I must be allowed and/or earn reasonable “privileges� while living with or visiting, i.e. whom I can visit and when, etc.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework, chores will be distributed equally and fairly.
6. Others may not violate my private space, nor take or use any of my possessions without my permission or reasonable suspicions.
7. I will NEVER be treated as dirt in my own Home.
8. I have the right for my father’s home to feel like my own home.
9. My father and stepmother will ALWAYS treat me with respect, even if they don't like me.
10. I have the right to my privacy within reasonable limits.
11. I have the right to be part of the process of choosing what I am allowed to call, or not call my stepmother.
12. I have the right to be completely oblivious of financial issues, marital issues, etc. unless I am a direct cause of such issues. i.e. asking for too much additional stuff. NOT child support, etc.
13. If I am the cause of above issues I have the right to be involved in a discussion regarding them in an unthreatening manner.
14. I have the right to believe my mom is the best person in the world.

Our family is our FIRST priority, and we will address as many issues together as possible.


The StepMother's Responsibilities

1. I will be an active part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I will express my feelings and to express in an appropriate manner.
3. I will set resonable limits and goals for my stepchildren, husband, family and myself
4. I will be conscious of consulting my husband (and stepchildren when appropriate) about children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will do my fair share of chores without complaint.
6. I will consult everyone involved in all matters concerning this family.
7. I will not violate others' private space, nor take or use any of their possessions without permission.
8. I will NEVER treat others as dirt in their own Home.
9. I will ALWAYS treat my stepchildren with respect, even if I don't like them.
10. I will respect my husband and stepchildren's (within reason) right to privacy regarding all issues.
11. I will compromise and come to a fair determination of what a child is allowed to call me, or not call me.
12. I will discuss openly all financial issues regarding this family i.e. child travel, schooling etc, as long as it affects me too.
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.

Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.


The Husband's Responsibilities

1. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. I have every right to my feelings and to express them as I see fit.
3. I will be responsible for my children's actions and the consequences administered.
4. I will be conscious of consulting my wife (and children when appropriate) about children that are living with or visiting us, whom they can visit and when, etc.
5. I will do my fair share of chores without complaint.
6. I will consult everyone involved in all matters concerning this family.
7. I will not violate others' private space, nor take or use any of their possessions without permission.
8. I will NEVER treat others as dirt in their own Home.
9. I will always treat my children with respect.
10. I will respect my wife and children's (within reason) right to privacy regarding all issues.
11. I will act worthy of being called dad and not try to be my children's "buddy".
12. I will discuss openly all financial issues regarding this family i.e. child travel, schooling etc,
13. We will never discuss marital issues in front of children, nor will we disagree about discipline in front of children. We will Always show a united front and discuss later out of earshot of child our disagreement.

Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.


The StepChild's Responsibilities

1. I will abide by the decisions made in family discussions even if they were not my suggestions.
2. I do my best to learn to express my feelings in a healthy acceptable way.
3. I will abide by the limits set for me and accept the consequences gracefully for testing the limits.
4. I will do my best to maintain and/or earn reasonable “privileges� while living with or visiting, i.e. whom I can visit and when, etc.
5. I will do my fair share of chores without complaint.
6. I will be respectful of all discussions and issues involving the family.
7. I will NEVER treat others as dirt in their own Home.
8. I have the right for my father’s home to feel like my own home.
9. I will always treat my father and stepmother with respect.
10. I will respect other's privacy.
11. I will compromise and come to a fair determination of what I am allowed to call, or not call my stepmother.
12. I will not butt my nose into financial and/or marital issues.
13. If I am the cause of above issues I will do whatever I can to help come to a reasonable solution.
14. I will accept the fact that even if I think my mom is the best person in the world, there are at least 2 other people who care for me and deserve to be acknowledge sometimes.

Our family is our FIRST priority, and we will address as many issues together as possible.

Virtual Reality vs. Actuality

After receiving a note from Casey (via MySpace, where she found and friended me), I noticed that her top "friend" is her mother. Against every bit of good sense and judgement (and because I noticed that the mother's profile photo, so prominently displayed on her daughter's site, featured her, posing nude), I clicked through.

I can't help but be frustrated at this woman's cavalier attitude toward the responsibility of motherhood. She posts photos of her daughter (some where her daughter is posed in a way that I would consider inappropriate for her age) and comments that she is her "baby" and her "one and only" - and yet she dropped the child off with relatives and numerous times has left Charming messages asking him to just sign the paperwork for full custody so she doesn't have to deal with "the brat." She also comments on her idol, Britney Spears, and has an entire nude photo collection on her site. I wonder what kind of example this is going to set for Casey, and how it will affect her decisions as she hits adolescence and moves on to high school. I worry for her and can't understand why more intervention hasn't taken place.

"You don't have kids, you don't understand," is the only reply I ever get.

Another thing that I noticed, that stung, was that she lists Charming as one of her "top friends." The sting is moreso because I know I can't go to him and ask him about it, and because I can't ever ask him to stop interacting with her. Charming told me when we got together that he saw no reason that anyone should ever be "friends" with or hang out with an ex (he was referring to his jealousy over my meeting my ex for a drink to discuss calmly how we were going to split up our furniture and how he was going to get me the money he owed me for bills, among other things). I asked him, in front of his friend (who also has a daughter and is re-married), how he could actually say something like that to me and maintain a relationship with his ex (I would think he of all people would be most understanding), and they both immediately said, "It's different."

Is it? Because I didn't have a child with my ex (with whom I lived for 5 years, as opposed to his few month relationship with the mother of his child), do I now have the right to be in contact with him?

Being a Childless Stepmom is Different

I came across this post on a Geocities blog, Being a Childless Stepmom is Different, and it really hit home for me. Tomorrow is D Day for me, I have my next Dr. appointment, after which he will tell me (hopefully on the spot) what my prognosis is, and whether or not my previous diagnosis will prevent me from having children.

"Being a stepmom was in NOBODY's plan."

I wonder, with the cultural shift our generation has seen, if someday being a stepmom won't have such an evil connotation to children, and if people will accept it more. Charming told me last night that Casey's mood swings stem from her being around her mother (I can only imagine what her mother says about me) and from her insecurities with me. He thinks Casey is jealous that another woman has come into her father's life and that she is being replaced. He also began to say that if he ever had more children, he would have to do so in a way that reassured Casey that she is still #1. I'm not sure that I can live with that - with MY child being #2. And I told him such. His response was that any child he ever fathered and every child he ever fathered would always be #1 - all simultaneously.

I guess I will understand if/when I am a parent, but where I grew up, there were always favorites among broods. And I'm torn. While any child I have SHOULD be his #1, and his priority, so should his daughter. Is it fair that I feel apprehensive that he would somehow care more about his first child than one that we have together?

Success! In theory, anyway

Charming was far more receptive to our discussion (once he got over his initial defense mechanisms) than I'd expected. Perhaps it was that I was prepared - I used all of the active listening lessons and feeling words ("I can understand that you're feeling like I don't like your daughter, and I can see why you would feel that way. I'm very sorry. because that's not how I feel. I feel...").

I think the "Aha" moment came when he finally looked at me and said, "So I guess this is what you were talking about when you said I needed to plan better for her to come out. I never would have thought about these things - I would have had her playing all summer long."

Among the "rules" and "boundaries" that we established:

1. What's mine is mine, and I have the right to not share those things, or to have my space violated while Casey is with us. These things include my bedroom, my closets, my fragile keepsakes, my expensive saltwater fish tanks, and my two precious dogs - especially them. I don't mind if she plays with the dogs (carefully, as our puppy is only 6 months and 2 pounds, and VERY breakable), but they will be stressed by the new addition as well, and I aim to minimize that.

2. While in my home, she must respect me as a person, and respect me as an authority figure. Temper tantrums, nasty comments, "What are YOU doing here's?" will be dealt with sternly and quickly by her father.

3. She will have a routine. That routine WILL include chores, summer reading, and working on her academics. She will not lounge around and expect that I pick up after her.

4. There will be "grown up time." At least once every other week (once a week if possible), we will have the night off to ourselves to enjoy some grown up, calm time.

5. To manage finances effectively, Casey will get an allowance for completing all of her chores and for making it through the week without tantrums.

6. Fun trips, extracurriculars and weekend adventures will be kept to a reasonable volume and will be rewards for positive behavior, not to be taken for granted.

I'll be revisiting the "Stepmom Bill of Rights" I found on www.stepmothersmilk.com, but am I missing anything major?

The Talk

About to attempt (again) a conversation about expectations for this coming summer. Meeting Charming for dinner and a drink and hoping that a public setting will 1. Make the conversation seem less intimidating, 2. Make him less likely to be on the defensive, and 3. Prevent any potential arguments that would stem from that defensiveness.

Fingers crossed!

Opening the Communication Channels

Since discovering this wonderful Web of Stepmommy blogs, I've found both comfort (I no longer feel like I'm insane, born without a Mommy gene, insensitive or selfish, and I find solace in knowing that I'm not the only person with a relationship that - at times - seems completely disfunctional because of the seemingly insane arguments that no two year old relationship should be facing) and additional anxiety - I'm less than 3 months away from Casey's summer stay with us in Florida, which may (I have suspicions) turn into a "permanent vacation.

One of my biggest fears/anxieties about her coming presence is that there is little to no communication between Charming and I about his plans, goals, expectations, or my role in the situation. I'm not a "stepmom" - as her father and I aren't married (even though that's how she refers to me), and I don't feel like I have the ability to share with him all of the helpful resources I've found online that pertain to married couples who are welcoming one partner's children into the blended family. While we are committed to each other and will have been together for two years by the time she comes to visit, I still feel awkward introducing or even discussing the things most stepmoms outline with their partners.

What, if any, are MY rights as a step mom to be? How should my role vary from that of a step mom who is already married to the SK's father?

Surviving the Rough Patches

One of the hardest parts - for me - of becoming a someday stepmom and dating a dad is that I didn't know the rules. None of my friends had ever had the experience (very few of our friends had children, period, and those that did were married) of dating a dad or dealing with an ex that won't ever go away - who manipulates the people around her - including my Charming.

Since I've started writing about my own experiences, I've come across a number of awesome blogs/forums by women just like me. I'm learning an entirely new vernacular and all of the acronyms that go with it. Before 2009, I had no idea what a BM, or SD, or DH meant. I didn't have any concept of what it meant to establish boundaries with a biomom, or to let the bioparent take on the lead role in the house as the disciplinarian and parent and to take a back seat.

Since I haven't had anyone to share experiences or compare notes with, I've often been frustrated and angry. Charming is always on the defensive; while we haven't talked about his past relationships, I heard from Casey once that all of his ex girlfriends were mean to her and didn't like her, so I imagine her presence has caused a strain on his romantic life, and he's developed an angry strategy as a defense mechanism - but it makes it much harder to plan for having this child come into my home, to understand what's expected of me and what his expectations are, without having an open line of communication.

It's now February, and in 16 weeks, Casey will be coming to live with us for 3 1/2 months during her summer break. Having begun to read these blogs/forums online has been immensely helpful, but the alarms are still going off.

Reading these blogs, one of my favorites being www.stepmothersmilk.com, has become a form of therapy for me, as well as an informal how-to guide and what to expect. Too bad "What to Expect When You're Expecting" does

Publish Post

n't come in Stepmom volume.