Day Three: Rock Bottom

Day three started much like the past two. I made breakfast, ran the dishwasher, and raced off to work. Charming and Casey headed for the pool to play, with Charming promising me he was going to be online within the hour so that he could catch up on the client work he'd been neglecting.

I was sitting at my desk, plugging away at press outreach, when the office receptionist buzzed my line, telling me that I had a call from the doctor's office on line 2. I was confused - I hadn't been to a doctor in almost a month, and wasn't expecting to hear from anyone.

"Ms. 'Rella? Did you get our voicemail?"

"No, what voicemail?"

"You need to come back into the office. Your pap results showed a presence of cancer cells on your cervix, and we need to..."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I think my heart stopped beating for a minute. I asked the nurse on the line if I could call her back from my mobile, and stepped outside, trying to process what I'd just heard. After a few breaths, I dialed the line. The nurse, who clearly had no concept of bedside manner, told me that I was going to have to schedule a cone biopsy, and that based on the results of that biopsy, the doctors would have to perform a partial or full hysterectomy. As if that wasn't bad enough, the nurse told me that the biopsy itself could have consequences, including compromising my ability to carry a baby to term or requiring that I spend my third trimester on bedrest.

And that was the best case scenario. The cancer cells, if they were right, could mean a quick and painful death. I hung up the phone, completely numb. Once I composed myself, I called my father, a physician, and the man who always tells me I'm overreacting and that everything is fine immediately went into panic mode - telling me that I had to get a second opinion ASAP and recommending another physician in the area who would be able to treat me well. I asked him to call my mother and break the news to her - I didn't want to deal with my mother's devastation, couldn't deal with it, and suddenly I was sobbing.

I couldn't bear to go back into the office and sit, pretending everything was ok. I also didn't want to go home and share very personal and devastating news with three people I'd spent less than 24 hours with. I called Charming, praying that he'd answer. Nothing. We had argued in the morning about him neglecting his work - I was worried that his demanding and finicky client would be upset at his absence - and I knew he was ignoring my calls. Finally, I sent him a text.

"Please call me. Dr. office just called. They got my test results. Found cancer cells. I'm freaking out."

Then I called my best friend, who luckily was on summer break from the school where she teaches, and who said immediately, "Don't go back inside. Sit in your car and don't try to drive anywhere. I can be there in 20 minutes."

By then, Charming was calling me repeatedly, and when he answered, he told me to come home. I explained that I was in shock and didn't really want to discuss the situation with his parents until I'd had a chance to let it sink in, nor did I want to upset his daughter. BFF was going to take me to get a drink and let me cry, then drive me home. I told him I'd call him around 2:30, the time that my father expected to have an appointment set and more information from the doctor's office.

At 2:30, I called Charming, after hearing from my father. No answer. I waited 15 minutes and tried again. Still no answer. Three calls and an hour and a half later (and an angry message from me), he returned my calls and said:

"I didn't have my phone with me. I was snorkeling at the beach with my daughter. If you have a problem with that, maybe we should break up so that you can go deal with your health problems."

I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. Who was this man I was living with? Snorkeling? He went snorkeling - less than an hour after I'd been told that I had cancer. That I'd have to have a hysterectomy. That I might die. BFF was furious, and the afternoon became a giant argument with he and his family that is better left unspoken. In the end, I felt compelled to apologize to his family for inconveniencing them and ruining their vacation day, and apologized to Charming for being upset that he was with his daughter.

But still, resentment kept building. If my horrible diagnosis wasn't enough to have a moment of his time, if snorkeling with his daughter was more important than lending me a shoulder to cry on or even just being there for me (we'd been together almost a year at this point), then nothing would ever be. I realized that day what it meant to date a dad - I would always be number two, no matter how traumatic or emergency my situation. I would never be enough of a priority for Charming to say, "I have to be here for her right now."

Mixed Feelings

After another sleepless night - I assumed by this point that Casey's fits would be a nightly ritual, and really wasn't looking forward to the coming three weeks - I trudged off to the office. The night before had slowly gotten better. For whatever reason, Casey decided that she didn't want to glower at me all night, and sometime after the dishes were done, asked me to take her in the pool for a second snorkel lesson. Charming quickly jumped in and took over, and I wound up sitting by the side of the pool watching.

Again, I was full of mixed feelings. On one hand, I was happy that they were able to spend time together. I was happy that they were both so happy. But, I was confused. He wanted me to build a relationship with his daughter, and the opportunity that I'd had to do something with her was taken away when he took over less than 5 minutes after I got in the pool. And I couldn't help but feeling rejected and left out of the situation. When he'd gotten in, I'd been completely excluded from their conversation and interaction. Was I wrong for these feelings?

Day Two

After making a big breakfast (I'd made a late night stack of pancakes for Casey at her request, and she'd insisted that I make them for her again the following morning), I headed off to work, exhausted from the previous night.

After our pancakes, Casey had decided that she didn't want to go to bed, and had thrown her first fit - which consisted of her running from room to room, wailing and crying, and refusing to talk to anyone who approached her. She parked herself in front of our bedroom door until almost 3 am, while Charming and her grandparents tried to appease her and made extensions to her bed time (each subsequent time wasn't enough for her, and when her time was up, the fit resumed).

After a long day at the office, I headed home, ready to have a glass of wine and unwind by the pool, a post-stressful day ritual. As I walked into the house, I was greeted by the smell of dinner, which Charming was making with Casey and his father while his mother sipped my last glass of Chardonnay. When Casey saw me, she glared at me angrily, placed herself territorially between her father and I, and said, "What are you doing home already?"

I was stung. I had tried so hard the night before to make a good impression, and I thought things had gone so well. No one else noticed - or at least acknowledged that they'd noticed - her comment, and Charming said hello from the stove. Casey continued to glare at me angrily for some time.

I'd never felt so out of place in my own home. It was as if they lived there, and I was intruding on their space. Defeated, I retreated to the solice of my bedroom to change, which I did slowly, stalling on heading back downstairs. So much for my glass of wine and relaxing evening.

The Big Day

The big day was finally here. I changed outfits three times, paced around the house for an hour making sure that everything was clean, and dealt with loose ends for our product launch. The ride to the airport was somewhat peaceful, with Charming assuring me that I would do fine, that everyone loves Casey and that she loves everyone because she's so easy going.

And then she was there. Their reunion was touching - I could see how much they care about each other and felt guilty even considering my own feelings/thoughts. That was what mattered. I could make my work schedule work around their family's plans, regardless of what the repercussions would be. It didn't matter that they'd booked the Disney World trip for the day after my product launch - the most important day for any marketing pro when a product launches.

We took the family to dinner, had a few drinks, and were off to a good start. Casey was quiet with me at first, but warmed up to me within the first hour, and by the end of the evening, was holding my hand and practicing snorkeling in our pool with the set that I'd bought for her as a welcome gift.

Misdiagnosis...

After two additional follow ups, 10 days of horrible nausea as I was forced to take drugs prescribed to treat an STD that I didn't have, I was told that I did not, in fact, have a hydrosalpinx. What I had was abnormally concentrated vasculature in my abdomen, and the fluid filled sac was in fact just a vein. The meds were stopped, although the pain continued, as did the abnormal bleeding and cramping. The doctors basically told me that this condition was something that just happened to women in their late 20s sometimes, and that it would go away in due time.

Situations at home weren't getting any better. Tensions were growing as my hours got longer - Charming was resenting my job since he was still only working part-time and from home, and he was frustrated that I was sick all the time.

Adding to the stress were the recently-announced plans that his parents had. They and Casey would be coming for three weeks, overlapping the major product launch that I'd been working so hard on, which meant that I would be juggling a difficult balance of work, family time, and trying to create some sort of relationship with the little girl who I feared would be the end to what had once been a perfect relationship. I also knew that - with tensions being what they were and with the work demands that I knew would be coming - that these three weeks were going to be very long and very trying.

Storm on the Horizon.

As the silence about his past continued, so did his family meetings and discussions about how best to handle his daughter. It was discussed at length whether or not she should move to Florida to be with him, whether or not he should file for custody of her. But the only discussion I heard was what drifted my way from the next room. When I finally was upset enough to confront him about it and tell him that it would be nice to be included in this discussion, his response was, "She's my daughter and she needs her father. It's a family matter." Case closed. That simple.

Resentment was continuing to fester with me. I have never in my life felt so torn - - I CANT be mad at him. He's right, it is his daughter and he does need to do what's best for her. But - it's my life, too, that would be altered - - having a child moving into our home when we were only just getting to know each other was a lot to ask, even considering the circumstances. I hadn't had a child at 20. I had been responsible and remained single and without children so that I could enjoy my 20s and have a child when I was ready to settle down and mature and financially secure enough to do the best damned job a parent ever has in raising him or her.

I started getting scared. I didn't think I could deal with having this person in my house. I'd overheard phone conversations he'd have with his sister - - in one case, his sister called him furious because she'd had an argument with the Ex on the phone (the Ex demanded that the sister babysit for her, and the sister hadn't been able to, so the Ex turned to angry words and hung up on her). The sister had called her back and told her she'd been inappropriate and that she should apologize. After that call, Casey had called HER and called her names, screamed at her and apparently shown her no respect. I heard Charming tell his sister, she's spoiled. Charming's mother called and forwarded an email that Casey had sent HER (she was on vacation at the time) demanding that the sister apologize, threatening the mother and carrying on like...well, a spoiled brat. I definitely knew I couldn't deal with that.

Right about now, it was planned that she would come out and stay for an indeterminate length during the summer - and I started having anxiety. Charming was barely making ends meet with his consulting work, and sending back child support to the Ex every month (which meant I had to cover more than my share of the bills). That made me angry. His reasoning was that I made more money than he did, so I should have to pay more. My reasoning was, he should be able to support himself. We weren't getting engaged, we certainly weren't getting married, and in my opinion, covering his bills so that he could send money back to the Ex - who doesn't work and is apparently on disability because she doesn't want to work - is tantamount to ME paying his child support.

We began fighting. I couldn't deal with the thought of having a little monster in my house (I had nightmares often) and being completely outnumbered without a say as to how my house ran (Charming has a horrible case of DDS - Divorced Dad Syndrome - Casey walked all over him, got everything she wanted, and apparently was quite manipulative of everyone else in her family.). I still hadn't met this little girl, and no one had discussed plans with me. I didn't know when anyone was coming, or who was coming (it went from being his daughter to his entire family, then back and forth).

My hours at work were getting longer and longer, and the stress of work was piling on. We were planning for a major product release and as the marketing manager, it was my job to make sure that everything went off smoothly. Meanwhile, Charming was working part-time, enjoying the beach, and doing nothing extra to be sure he'd be in good financial shape if and when his daughter came out, so he could keep to all the plans he'd made - including trips to the Keys and Disney World.

I started to get sick. Horrible abdominal cramps, so much pain that I could barely get out of bed. I didn't want to go to the doctor - I've had "female problems" since I was 13, and I thought that this was an extension of the PMDD that I suffer combined with my stress. Finally, though, Charming convinced me it was time to seek help, and took me to the emergency room. There, I got the shock of my life. After a number of tests, a doctor came into my room and told me that not only did I have 3 fibroid tumors and that my right ovary was covered in cysts, but he claimed that my left falopian tube was completely blocked and I had something called a hydrosalpinx - a fluid filled falopian tube that would prevent any eggs from getting through. My fertility was extremely compromised and getting pregnant would be a challenge.

I was devastated.

Enter the Ex.

After getting an amazing job offer in Florida, Charming decided that, in order to make our relationship work, he wanted to move to Florida with me - rather than continue our long distance relationship. I was anxious - and heavily advised against it (mom and friends warned me, "If you let him move in with you without a commitment, you'll never get one. Look what happened with your last relationship.")

Always stubborn, I put my concerns aside and agreed to the arrangement. Three weeks later, we would find ourselves 1200 miles from my home, 4000 miles from his, surrounded by no one we knew and in the company of a partner that, we quickly realized, we had a lot to learn about. The first few months were tough. We'd gotten along famously during our one - two week visits with each other, and we'd been spending 24/7 together. What made this so much different?

Enter the Ex. Just before the move, perhaps (though he'll never discuss it with me and I'll never know for sure) out of spite for the fact that he was moving to sunny Florida while she was in rural Oregon, the Ex began to have a major meltdown. Her relationship with her longtime live-in boyfriend dissipated, and she began a string of moves - moving Casey through three districts and simply not sending her to school in one year before being warned that she'd face fines if she didn't shape up. While Charming and I were looking at homes, he had to step away numerous times to argue with her on the phone about yet ANOTHER move she'd spontaneously planned, and she insisted that he head home early from the trip to help her move. Throughout our four days of job hunting and exploring the area, they had more than 4 shouting matches on the phone, and he'd spent at least 10 - 12 hours on the phone discussing everything with his family.

Charming still was in lockdown mode about what was going on. He would tell me later that he wanted to "shield me" from the Ex as much as possible, but all it did was make me uneasy, uncomfortable, and insecure with our own relationship. When I overheard him discuss with his parents (less than an hour after signing the lease on our new home that - because we had to have room for Casey and his home office - would cost a lot more than I'd be comfortable paying myself) how he may just move in with them and stay with his daughter through the end of the school year to avoid having her change schools again, I couldn't help but be crushed. I knew he had to do what was best for his daughter, but I was due in Florida in early March (it was now late Feburary), and I'd just signed a lease and put a lot of money down on a home that I couldn't afford by myself, to accomodate he and his daughter - who I had yet to meet. I felt selfish and uneasy - he clearly got upset when talking about things, but I felt completely in the dark. Until now, his fights with the Ex had had little bearing on me. Now, her actions were directly affecting me - financially and emotionally, as well as affecting the stability of my relationship with Charming. I was resentful and guilt-ridden at the same time. Had it been any other ex, I could have been angry. I could have demanded that he make a decision as to whether he was moving to Florida or staying in Oregon. But I couldn't. I couldn't say anything. All I could do was sit and wonder what was going to happen - if we were going to start a life together or if he was going to leave me up to my eyeballs in bills in a strange state where I knew no one.

I started wondering about her - was she pretty? Was he still attracted to her? What had happened in their relationship that they had parted ways? Charming stood firm on his silence - there was no discussing anything about their relationship, or about his daughter, with him. Instead, I started getting frustrated and resentful.

When we moved in together, the phone calls continued. I would work all day and come home to sit for hours while he would have family conference calls, or - on worse days - individual calls with his mother, father, and sisters to discuss the Ex in detail. He'd walk into other rooms so I couldn't hear him, or step outside. Then, hours later, he'd come back into the room and, as if nothing happened, continue on about his day. When I'd try to ask, he'd refuse to discuss what was going on, only saying, "She's having a bad day again." My frustration continued to grow, as did my insecurities about our relationship.

If he couldn't discuss with me something that was so important to him (yet he could with his family and with his friends) how were we going to build a life together?

Testing, Testing...1..2..3...

"My parents are coming up for lunch tomorrow and bringing Casey."

What? I thought. It was my first trip to Portland to visit Charming - about four months into our relationship (he'd flown out to see me in the meantime), and we had had a lovely week so far. I knew he intended for me to meet his parents while I was there, and I'd already met his sister and brother-in-law, but I had no expectations of meeting his daughter. I rolled over, I'd been watching a gorgeous sunrise over the city, and immediately felt an anxiety like I'd never felt. Although I couldn't place it at the time, I think it was a combination of experiences that had me terrified. I was nervous meeting his parents - I never had been in the past, but my ex's mother (while she loved me at first), gave me a terrible phobia of would-be mother-in-laws, and Charming was the family baby and only son (with three older sisters - the first potential red flag being his pecking order and "Baby" status). And he told me he was very close with his mother. Still, while anxious, I was assured that she would love me, and that set me at ease.

But this? Not only had the idea of him having a daughter not fully registered with me (I'm completely sure, looking back, that not having met her, she wasn't really real to me - and since she didn't live with him, her presence wasn't a day-to-day reality for me), but I was going to be meeting her AND his parents at the same time?

Suddenly, I was faced with being judged not only for my appearance, manners, conversation, personality, career goals, and domestic potential, but I was going to be scrutinized for my maternal capabilities. I am not a child-hating wench, but I had spent very little time around young children, and suddenly was very ill-at-ease and unsure of how to handle myself. Would she hate me? Would she resent me? Would she ruin the relationship I had with her father out of jealousy?

Charming really didn't talk about his daughter. He almost made it a point not to, and whenever I tried to discuss it with him, he became very curt and would change the subject as quickly as humanly possible. He refused to talk about his ex, claiming that just thinking of her made him angry. So I really knew very little. I knew her parents had never married, that she was 11, and that she played basketball (he mentioned once going to her game). I knew his ex was bipolar and that he and she did not get along at all, barely communicated and never saw each other. I also knew that his parents had done most of the raising with Casey, and that his mother allegedly let her do whatever she wanted.

Only a few hours later, Charming's mother called back to cancel the plans, claiming that his sister was ill and she would have to help out with her son. I later learned that Charming's brother-in-law, who I'd mentioned my unease to earlier in the week, had scolded his mother and told her that it was "too soon" for me to meet her.

We went to lunch a few days later, and just with his parents. This was, however, my first realization that there clearly were expectations of me. This was no longer just a casual relationship - if they wanted me to meet his daughter, there were deeper expectations to be had. And even though I didn't meet her on that trip, she became real, as did the thought that someday I might be the "evil stepmother."

Once Upon A Time...

A year ago, I was a carefree single gal livin' it up in a Manhattan suburb. I had a great job, I'd recently become single, and I had a great, close group of friends that kept me out and about on the social scene. It was then that I met Charming, at a conference networking function. I wasn't on the lookout for love (in fact I'd sworn off relationships after my last five year stint crashed and burned), but there was an instant connection there. As a total career gal with big aspirations, I was impressed at how quickly we got to know each other and within the same night, were working the room together, networking and mingling with all the industry heavy-hitters.

After running into him at the conference the following day, he called to invite me to dinner, and we later went for drinks. Things were going great - he was handsome, charming, funny, laid-back, and into business just as much as I was. I was surprised at how quickly he'd won me over and really how comfortable it was being with him. The bar was noisy - so noisy that we couldn't hear each other well over the music and din, and I'd had a couple of cocktails, but we were having a surprisingly good conversation about work, the technology industry, and our own interests. It was then that he said - and to this day I don't know what the full sentence was - "with my daughter."

"Your what?"

"My daugher. She's 11."

I felt like I'd just had all the air let out of me. He must be married! No? Divorced? No. He explained that he'd fathered a child with his high school girlfriend, when their relationship had already been on the chopping block. His ex had been living with another man for most of his daughter's life, who was serving as a good role model for his daughter, and he saw her on holidays and over her summer break. Did he still see his ex? Firm no.

Adding insult to injury, I'd just found out that he lived in Portland, some 3000+ miles away from where I'd be returning the next day. So much for perfect. But he was. We had a great chemistry. However, the news of his child almost ended our conversation. My mother, who'd been prodding me since my 25th birthday that I should start considering whether or not I wanted kids and take action (and showing her thoughts by buying enough baby clothes to last a child through her - not his, I had to have a baby girl - 5th birthday), had warned me when I broke things off with my ex that I needed to consider settling down, because once I hit 30, it would be hard to find a good man who wasn't divorced and with kids, and that I didn't want to deal with that kind of baggage. And I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it myself either - - I'd seen Stepmom and read enough fairy tales to know that any relationship with this person would lead to a major challenge.

And yet, once we left the conference and headed our own ways home, we began corresponding, by email, IM and phone. A few months later, I was hooked, and the nerves and warning alarms faded behind my growing feelings.